To my loved ones;

I wrote this to my husband, but it could be written to any one of my loved ones.  I am overworked and tired. Yet, I am encouraged to keep going because I am a "hero."   

Frankly, I have never seen myself as a hero.   I do the job because I can do it.  I have no sense of self-preservation.  I am a four time suicide survivor.  Yes, four times I have tried to take myself out.  Only for my body to tell me.  Nope.  Not this time.  The last time I really looked around my surrounding and asked myself  what am I missing?   

Purpose. 

I am missing what is my purpose in this world.   Having the ability of no self preservation helps in this field.  I think that is what adds to a first responders' depression, and why it is so prevailent in our field.  I have lost four friends this year alone.  Three from Facebook, one a coworker.   All self-terminated.  So when you are at the end of your rope, and your loved one are asking you "what can I do to help?" Show them this.  It has a lot of true in it.  

What do I want from you?

I want you to advocate for me; I advocate for others in my daily job that I stopped doing it for myself.  

I want you to be cheerleader for me; there are days a wake up and cry.  I work double what you work, at a harder rate, with more stressful situations, and a much more physical job.  

I want to be taken care of.  My job drains me.  Seeing people actively dying, battling Diseases, and being thrown discarded by loved ones is hard to deal with on a daily basis.  Coming home and finding "the littlest things that you freak out on" not done only adds to the depression I have been dealing with because I think you don't care either.  

I work, clean, raise your children, do laundry, make sure food is in the house, manage the house, advocate with government agencies, make appointments. When I come home my stress levels are through the roof.   So, yes, I don't eat.  Yet, you will sit at the table and shrug your shoulders.  

I need help.  I have been telling you that for years.  Maybe this will be my last cry; that will not be ignored.  

I am tired.

I'm eight month pregnant.

I never wanted to get pregnant again.  It should be a joyous experience.   

But it's not.   

I hate my body.  I hate the way I am treated like a fragile egg.  

I was terminated after I told two employers I was pregnant.  I finally found work again. 

The doctors have never sat down with me and said, "hey, we need to talk about lifting restrictions."   They do ask, "how are things going?" Normally, the answer is always the same.  "I'm fine."   

What that "fine" is not saying is I have been discriminated against; my life is hell because of this child; it's getting harder to work because people keep referring to the "old school" way of doing things.  

Federal law states that I have to be treated like everyone else.  This is far from reality.   

I HAVE TO WORK.  

Yes, I would love to be laying on the couch, being feed grapes and Bon-bons.  But that is not my reality.  Guess what? All around the world women work during their entire pregnancy. Some even give birth at work.   

You think all these concerned people will pay my bills for next four months? 

Where will they be when I'm standing in the rubble of my life? Some will be right there by my side by not a lot.  

Everyone has good intentions, but I wish people would just leave me alone.   The doctors all know what I do for a living.  They have never come to me and said, "Hey, it's time to give it up."  

No. It's quite the opposite.   The doctors say continue with your life.  It will make it easier to go back once the baby is born.  

All your GOOD intentions are doing is making me want this child to never to be born.  You are making me see this child as a burden.  The constant discussion of my "medical situation" brings me into the spotlight.   Something I avoid.  It would be a relief if this pregnancy just went away.  

My attitude wasn't always like this.  I was overjoyed to be completing my family.  I have to make sure my living children have a home, food and support.  This child is not viable.  It's a matter of survival at this point.  

Facebook EMS forums

A friend of mine Kelly said it best; that most of these Facebook EMS pages our fill of monosynaptic, booger eating cretins. Do you know? what he's right. No I'll be the first to admit and tell you that I don't know everything. But the things I do know is not to lose the public's trust.

I'm sure I'll be ready about these Facebook fan pages more and more. Without calling these pages out; I will give them names (to protect the innocent). What is the woman's group and one is a study group. Both do not bode well for the history advancement of EMS services. I'm going to leave you a little clip of what runs through my mind every time I read those pages. http://youtu.be/eknfelhN31E 

I'm sure I'll have more material tonight to actually explain my point of view.

Wawa Car Fire 3/30/14 Bensalem, PA.

Armchair Firefighter?


Everyone has an opinion. I think the old guy got it right. Make sure our safety is first. I would have NOT taken a direct approach because of an incident that happen at my fire company. A full timer was injured when an air cylinder exploded and struck him in the knee. Always approach at a 45 degree angle.

Things are finally starting to fall into place

My my quest for the disco patch is officially underway.I have been accepted to Wor-Wic   Community College in Salisbury, Maryland.  I still cannot believe things that she start fall into place.   I will be making a trip back on a Salisbury on Thursday afternoon to:  1) drop off my application for intermediate starting in May,  2) register for classes in the upcoming summer, 3)   and to attend class.

I'm really excited about this semester. It  does seem like a lot I am  a full-time student at two different colleges.   This is going to one of the biggest challenges of my life.  Because, I have so many more responsibilities; than what I had when I finished my first bachelors.  Not only do I have to worry about my own children,  but living and breathing household.   So you would you ask me why I want to put myself through this torture?

Well I had no choice. Husband was fired from his well paying job.  He was making close to $32 an hour before taxes. Life was good.  We are starting to get out of debt.   My husband also bought his dream vehicle a truck.  The new management they came onto the site was bound to bust the union.  They were determined in writing all of the workers up as to fire them per the contract rules.   My husband was not the only one in this rash firing; there were three others.   Two of  them the president of the union fought for, and two they did not.

We are in a situation now. If I don't pass; we won't make it.  since I have the higher education,  and I am  closer to graduating and my husband;  we have decided that I will finish my schooling and my husband will continue part-time.    All my life I have had jobs that not paid me over $13 an hour.   I am hoping, that once I get my paramedic status; I can work on getting the bills paid off again.  I love what I have so far, and I wish I can continue to live this way.   Plus, my children deserve a stable childhood.

I was injured in a crash on August of 2012.   It was reported on many news stations including firefighter.com.   I have several injuries from this crash.  I continue every day to strengthen my body so I may return to EMS.  I have to return there is no choice.

Back to school.


I am taking two biologies this semester.   The first one is an overview of  general anatomy and physiology. The second is a more in depth anatomy and physiology. I'm more worried about the second biology.   My husband did go back to work.  I have my entire school year mapped out.  how to be in school when my husband was off.   Then the company he worked for decide to close to shift he was on.  This completely screwed me up.   I can no longer go to my classes.  I do not have the babysitter.   At Deltech, I came so close to passing it before the second accident. I actually had an "A" in the class.  Now not doing as well as I should be.  I have also noticed that I am having trouble remembering things and recalling information.  Where I used to be able to write very well; now I am saying that I am a better visual learner and not good at written tests.   I had a very hard blow to the head.  I wonder if that is the reason why I am not doing as well as I should be.  I am easily distracted.  And very depressed. And like any good paramedic student, I'm behind on my homework. Not critically behind, but behind nonetheless. Tonight, I think I'm just gonna go home, and go to bed.   Well, after I finish correcting this blog post. I have class at 8 AM tomorrow morning, and  school comes early (especially when I'm driving two and a half hours home. Just to  wake-up and drive a hour and a half back to school.

I'm finding that having kids is really, really, really hard. Youngest loves staying with his grandparents. But, I get him at midnight on nights like this.  They are in there 60s, and work full-time jobs.  They are tired easily. I really don't want to give them hard time.

I guess what I am trying to say is even though I am faced with all these challenges.  I am still standing tall.  I will continue to pursue my dream of a disco patch.  Because, is not only about me anymore. It  is about making sure it is about making sure my family is taken care of,  and will no longer worry about what bill to pay next.

Let us do this.   And in the immortal words of the 10th Dr. Allons-y!

What would you do?

I have had a lot of doors slammed in my face since the accident.  I tired to re-enter my original Paramedics pool at Delaware Tech.  But without the doctor's clearance, I would not be able to sign up for classes. Without signing up for classes to complete my Anatomy and Physiology; I would have to wait yet another year to apply for my clinical.

SO.

I went one state over to Cecil County Community College. They welcomed me in  to the college with open arms. Rushed my aid, and got me into classes the day before the official start.  Now, I don't want to slam this particular college; because, they have been so nice to me.  There was one vital question both of us neglected to bring up. Exterior prerequisites in order to join the clinicals.  I didn't find this out until I was preparing my application for clinicals of September 2013. The conversations went something like this:

A0:  "Well, Miss Awesome. There are only a couple requirements that you must have to take the state test to qualify."

ME:  "What do you mean to qualify?"

A0:  "Well, it was an oversight on our part. You see. You being an out-of-state student; you cannot take the state exam without an county affiliation. We cannot go forward with the paramedic program without this affiliation. Do you have a county affiliation?"

ME: "ummmmm. no. Why would you even welcome me into the college; knowing, damn well, I wanted to attend your paramedics program? You knew from my application, that I was not an in-state student. Also, under the volunteerism part; I listed all of the fire station those affiliate with.   None of those departments within the county.   I  provided all the information that you  you said you needed of me."

A0: "Well, yes. As I said, it was an oversight on my part."

ME: "So, you admit you held me up for another semester. You knew, damn well, I was not going to be able to proceed with the program due to me not having an affiliation."

A0: "Well, that is why I gave you the phone number of the Chief of EMS of this county."

ME: "I understand, I was given the phone number of a man I didn't expect to talk to until this summer. You are my ADVISER. You should have ADVISED me the program I wanted to proceed with need a county affiliation. Instead, you sat there and took my money, and led me to believe I was going to able to continue with my program for a semester and a half. Sounds like fraud to me. How can you offer a program that depends on the state and county to complete? and, HOW CAN YOU OFFER IT AS A DEGREE PROGRAM AVAILABLE TO OUT-OF-STATE STUDENTS?"

A0: "Well, I was mistaken, but you can go for the Nursing program. I'm sure the resident requirement will not count against you since you have a lengthy history of education. All you have to do is keep your grades up. Interested?"

Now I was ready to jump the desk on this person.  I went home in tears. I frantically sought a program to enter.  I found one...103 miles away.  I am happy here.  I am able to finish my program finally.  The 2 1/2 hour drive is not that bad. I still have yet to meet my advisor. Hopefully, next week after court.

Hopefully....