What the HELL am I doing???

I just realized I'm 35, and I'm still in school.

I know what you are think....Duh. YOU finally realized that.

Well, yeah. I kinda just did.

I have been running full steam for years. You know the EMT/FF lifestyle: Live FAST, DIE hard and save people in the process. The problem is I never left room for me.

Don't get me wrong my job and my volunteerism requires me to constantly be learning; because my job is constantly changing. I'm not complaining about that. What I'm upset about is I have always been told I should be a nurse. My family has always pushed me to help others. My dad was in the military for 32 years, My mother gave up her career to raise us, and I have always gone out of my way to help other even if it was to my demise. My aunt Kay would always have "Henry" out when ever I came over so I could learn about organ systems and and internal structures. Yes, I knew the function of the gallbladder and pancreas at five years old.

Here I am in college again....Why? Because I want to have a better life for my family. I want to be a paramedic.

In Delaware, you have to have an Associates in Science to become a paramedic. Why would they do this? What I figure is they want us to learn as a whole.

It's not just paramedic students in my class. We have nurses, physical therapist, pre-med, biology majors, radiology technicians, and even medical transcriptionists. We are all learning how the body works from the smallest cell to large organ structures. I guess it is good to know we all have the same basic foundation of learning. I never realized how much I already knew, and on the other hand, how many things I was taught that are now obsolete.

Now I am getting an education with a bunch of twenty somethings, but I can take comfort in the fact that there are others just like me in my classes. There are other people in their thirties and forties all starting over again.

Why AM I doing it? Well, here's a little insight:

I have a bachelors in fine art. I worked as a Graphic designer for about 4 years, I then went on to work of the state of Delaware as an Activity Therapist for another 4 years. It was a roller derby team that got me interested in EMS.

My team needed an EMT for our games. So being a team player I decided to join the fire house right down the street from my house. I fell in love. I realized I had found my calling, too bad it was right in front of me the whole entire time. I was confused. I had put myself through college. I worked in the field. I was growing within the mental health field. What was I thinking?

At 32, I thought I was having a midlife crisis, and try to ignore it. I try to rationalize with myself that I was going through a phase. All my hard work the first time around was what I really wanted. The truth was I was unhappy. I loathed going in to the hospital everyday to hear someone whine about their life, and how it was someone else's fault they were like this.

I actually was turning meaner everyday. I would start to tell my clients to quit whining...in a nice way. I had migraines. I started hiding in my office, I would take extended lunches (we had a choice between 30 and 60 minutes for lunch). It was only a matter of time before I would do something that would get me written up or fired. These people DRAINED me. I HATED my job. I would count down the time until I was off to go run to the firehouse or run to roller derby.

Since you can't make a living at roller derby, I decided I should be more involved with the firehouse. I was like a sponge at the firehouse. I tried to soak up as much as I could, to learn everything I ever wanted to know. Then I spoke to the Deputy Chief about letting me take the EMT course. He agreed an off I went. Honestly, the class was cake compared to my bachelors. I had health issues that almost made me fail the course in it entirety. But I pushed for it. Something I have not don't in quite a while. I actually believed I could do it , and do it well.

I still continue to do Roller Derby. It is a stress reliever for the days my EMS job gets under my skin or daily life wears on me. I'm kinda glad my first team pushed me to be a an EMT. I found my calling. I still don't want to be a nurse confined to one wing in the hospital. I want to be able to ride around outside, be in somewhat unfamiliar territory, to stay sharp.

I have been in the ED a lot this year and I have to say the nurses there all kinda have the same routine and rhythm everyday. I don't want to be like that. I want my scenery to change even if it is from one revolving door patient to another. I want visit people in there homes, work with more then just one partner or Fire department. Maybe it's the ADD in me, but I like that a Medic changes scenes almost everyday. Even as an EMT, I rarely see the same person twice in one day. Several times in a week yes, but only rare occasions everyday.

That 15 minute ride to the hospital relationships are made. Not in depth like with my therapy clients, but enough to satisfy my human contact urge. I have a sense that I have a purpose with EMS.

So What the hell am I doing here? Everything I should have done from the beginning.