i told you I was sick

Well.

I guess I get what I deserve. I posted my side of the story and now I'm less "friends" on my Facebook page.

I told you I never really felt like I was a part of the team. There was always that underlying tension. I would come to practice and would try to talk to people. They would either ignore what I said, or tell me this practice time socialize later.

Even when I would go the the hangout after practice, I would try to join the conversation and get no response.

Yes, I know someone is reading this blog right now and thinking "that two-faced bitch."

Well, let me tell you something.

I tried my damnedest to fit in with all of you, but I wasn't part of the team you all had the chance to bond in.

I fell ill.

Did I want it to happen?

No.

I can think of better ways to spend my time then hooked up to machines and medications that lower my blood pressure.

I had a tumor on my lung for crying out loud.

Imagine get this report at 35: ....There are small bilateral pleural effusions with compressive atelectasis at the lung bases. There are nonspecific groundglass opacities involving the bilateral lower lung segments which may be a basis of atelectasis; however a focal airspace in the lower left lobe may be present...there is a soft tissue prominence in the anterior mediastinum measuring up to 24 mm in anterposterior dimension which may represent thymic tissues, which is not expected in a person of this age...

What does that mean?

WELL:
What Is Thymic Cancer?

Thymic cancer is a cancer of the thymus gland or thymic tissue.

The thymus gland is in the upper part of the mediastinum (chest) behind the sternum and extending upwards into the root of the neck. It is a small organ (reaching its maximum weight of about 1 ounce during puberty) that slowly decreases in size during adulthood and is gradually replaced by fat tissue. During fetal development and childhood, the thymus produces white blood cells, called lymphocytes, that travel to lymph nodes (bean-sized collections of immune system cells) throughout the body. There they help the immune system protect the body from infections.

The thymus contains two types of cells: epithelial cells and lymphocytes. Thymic epithelial cells are the cells that line the thymus, and are the origin cells of thymoma and thymic carcinoma. If lymphocytes become malignant (cancerous), they can develop into lymphoma.

Thymic Carcinomas…Malignant Thymomas…INVASIVE THYMOMA…Thymic epithelial tumor…Thymic carcinoid tumors

Not words you want to hear.

Whatever you call them, thymic-related carcinomas and malignancies are difficult to diagnose, can be painful to treat, and fraught with confusion and fear. (From Thymic.org)

What would you do? I slept. I was so depressed, I slept.

I was looking for support. I found none.

I have 2 kids, one who was old enough to understand that if this mass is malignant, he could lose his only immediate family.

Instead I got rumors spread about me.

I was lazy, unmotivated, attention seeking, and not a team player.

Do you know how scary it is skating around, looking down at your finger tips only to see them a lovely shade of blue. To do the timed laps, and have to take 45 minutes to catch your breath.

Yes, I came back too soon.

My mind was ready to come back, but my body wasn't.

So if you was to disconnect from me on facebook, so be it. I was pissed. I'm still facing another challenge of Myasthenia Gravis. I go for those tests in the near future. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001731/)

You don't believe me?
I have the report right here.

I maybe living out the last of my enjoyable years. Who knows. All I wanted to do was play.

You all have my number.

Call me sometime.

Instead of hearing it from a second source.

Because, Honestly, I have not left the house since January except for school, doctor's appointments and the DSRG bout.