I thank you for that

I go to his grave every 24th of May.

I just lay looking at the clouds.

It is actually peaceful.

It took me about 5 years to actually, not cry every time I thought of him.

I searched high and low for his dad. Only to find out I missed him by a couple of months. He passed away from cancer.

I'm still obsessed with find all kind of pictures of him. Mostly for Dakota. He was the only "Dad" he knew. I dated but wouldn't let anyone get close to him. If you ask him about his father and his dad, he says his "dad" died a while ago, but his father never wanted him.

Mikey was a wonderful dad to Dakota. That is why he was trying to stop drinking. He was attending meeting and cutting back. That is why we had that short argument.

I never held him back from anything he wanted to do. Now I wish I did. I knew the baby was going to take all of our time, and wanted him to have possible "last fling" with his friends before we started our lives together.

I was his female twin.

I miss that life somewhat.

I'm still a thrill seeker.

But my body has paid for it.

I'm a firefighter and EMT. If u would see me now you wouldn't recognize me. I was a bouncer and roller derby gal.

I continue to save lives everyday.

I have made my peace with the trauma room, PACU, and the ICU.

I visit patient without families, and give blood every three months.

I can thank you, Mikey, for that. I would have never started to serve others, unless these past unfortunate events never happened.

This month is hell. I want to celebrate my oldest son's birth, but everyday. I think of you. We never finished what we started. You left me too soon. Now I will have to wait to see you again.

I miss you so much.